Work cracks me up!

I know I've been talking a lot about work when it's my days off, but seriously, that place cracks me up! I take back returns, which, for the most part, is the easiest and funniest job in the store. A lot of people I work with say they would never want my job because that's where the angry customers go. They look at me horrified when I tell them my job is easy. I tell them that maybe 1% of my customers are angry, but they seem suspicious.

Have you ever seen someone flip out because we won't return their junky old item because it's over a year past their 90 day return period? Yeah, I have. It's hilarious. They tell me how it's my fault for selling them low quality merchandise, like I'm the one in the factory that put it together or something. They complain that they didn't know anything about the return policy, even though it's posted in big letters on the wall behind my register, and for some items that are exceptions to the 90 day rule, it is posted in the department by the items, and on their receipt. "You actually expect people to read the receipt?" Can you believe people actually ask me that? And yes, I do expect that people read the receipt, and yes, other people do. I know because people come to me when they get overcharged 5 cents on their grapes or something.

Someone yelling at me because they don't understand the concept of 90 days is amusing to me. If they are particularly unruly, I just call up my boss. This is not because I want someone to give in to them. This is not because I feel intimidated or like crying. It is because they won't listen to me, and because I am usually trying not to laugh in front of them.

The best part of people flipping out about return policies? We take back darn near everything within reason. You sat on your toilet seat and it cracked under you a week after you bought it? Bring it back. You bought a goldfish and it died after 2 months? Stick it in a plastic baggy and bring it on in. You bought underwear, and when you tried it on, it was 3 sizes too small and fit like a thong when it shouldn't have? Come get your refund. You have meat that you bought a few days ago, and when you went to use it, it smelled so bad that Oscar the Grouch would vomit? Take that stenchy mess back into the store! I don't know about you, but I think that is pretty reasonable. If you saw the stuff I take back on a normal day, you'd probably be like, "What?!? Why would you take that back?"

While I'm on the topic of returns, I will tell you the funniest reason I hear about returning stuff....
"I looked at the package and it said it's made in China so I'm bringing it back."

...Wait, what? Are you serious? You should just stop shopping here, because at *insertstorenamehere*, a lot of stuff is made in China or other equally far away countries. The best part of this is that the majority of these people come to me and not my other return worker buddies. They know this and they think it's funny too. I don't get it because 1. I'm not Chinese, 2. I'm not anti-Chinese (or anti-any nationality), and 3. I don't care what country my stuff is made in. It's a big mystery of returns.

The other mystery of returns: the invisible worker. Our counter is rather long, with 4 registers. I use the short, handicap accessible one on the end, because no one else likes it and I don't mind it. Just the other day, I was at the short register, and a coworker was on the far other end of the counter, and no one was at the two in the center. We were both standing there at our registers, and when customers walked up, we were greeting them and asking how we could help them. So where do you think they go? If you guess the two empty registers in the middle, you are correct. (If I were at a middle register, they would go to whichever end is furthest away. It's part of the mystery of the phantom worker.)
 I want to know how they can see the invisible cashier, when I don't see anything. Even when I go, "I can help you down here on the end," they still put their return in the middle of the counter, a good 10 feet from where I am. My favorite part is when they ignore me asking them to come to the end, and they watch me walk back and forth from them to my register 3 or 4 times to get the return done. I have found a good solution to this though. They park their stuff in front of an empty register. I start their return and tell them, "I will be right back," and go to process the return. All of a sudden, they are in front of my register! Works like a charm!

Ok, that is my rambling look into the amusing parts of my job! Doesn't it sound like fun? (I suppose you probably shouldn't answer that.)

-duckyone.

And I thought Elmo was the dirtiest...

And here I thought that Elmo was the dirtiest Muppet on Sesame Street (He DID just say, "Elmo's hands are very talented" on Elmo's World on a recent episode), there are definitely other naughty, naughty puppets on the street!

Here's from the same Elmo's World (about hands):
Telly: We're going to play a game.
Baby Bear: A hand game!

Ok, so it turns out it was patty cake, but you tell me that that sounds normal. You can't, can you?

And that monster Murray isn't off the hook either. When he was singing about words that start with the letter U. The song said a bunch and then he stopped on the word underpants. Then he kept repeating underpants and waved a pair of boxer shorts in the air! Is it an innocent childrens song, or is there a Muppet running around somewhere who doesn't have on any skivvies?

Let me tell you, that cute little pink fairy Abby Cadabby is not off the hook either. She may have been egged on by Elmo, but she did poof Gordon (presumably naked) in his bathtub down into the street! And the best part? Elmo kept repeating, "Gordon's the man!" Elmo, stop looking into the tub. That's just vulgar!

Suddenly Oscar the grouch seems like the cleanest one of them all.
-duckyone.