The truth about Elmo

My daughter loves Elmo. Like, LOVES Elmo. I didn't intend for this to happen, but I would put Sesame Street on when she was tiny, and Elmo always made her smile, and his song would make her wiggle and dance. I was raised on Sesame Street, so I thought it would be cool. But Sesame Street is changed a lot since I was small. And while watching way too much Elmo, it occurred to me what a bad role model he is for little kids! Here's the facts:

-Elmo lives by himself. I don't know his exact age, but I think it's about 4 since he's not old enough for kindergarten. He does have parents but as evidenced by Elmo's World, he certainly doesn't live with them. How is a toddler monster getting his own place?

-Have you seen his apartment? He's colored all over everything! I really don't want my daughter to learn that. I've already had to scrub ball point pen off of the walls. Not fun.

-Elmo's neighbors are of questionable repute. Have you seen Mr. Noodle, his brother Mr. Noodle, his sister Miss Noodle and his other sister Miss Noodle? They don't know how to do anything. Elmo has to show them. He's had to teach them to dance, whistle, even dress themselves! What kind of people don't know how to do that? Well, since Elmo is talking to inanimate objects (the window shade, the computer, the drawer, and the TV), it leads me to believe that the Noodles are druggies and certain fumes leak through the window to Elmo's place. Hello, hallucinations! I should also tell you that Elmo did call the Noodles' swingers once. And on the episode I saw today, Mr. Noodle snuck into Elmo's apartment.

-Stranger Danger! Elmo is always letting strangers into his place. He's even had random parades of critters marching through his place.

-Mystery funds? How in the world is Elmo funding his lifestyle? Not only does he have his own place, he also has internet and cable. And he has a piano, and those aren't cheap.

-Questionable programming! Elmo has a channel on his TV for whatever his theme of the day. And some of them sound a little suspicious. The Foot Channel? Sounds like a fetish channel to me. And The Sharing Channel? There are so many ways a person could take that.

Someone needs to put Elmo into monster protective custody, stat! His parents aren't around ever, and he's living by himself with weird neighbors, people going in and out of his place, and programming that is not rated E for Everyone. Why doesn't anyone notice this? Gordon, Maria, Luis- I'm talking to YOU. It's sad that you let your cute furry little neighbor fall through the cracks like that.

(And yes, I do watch too much tv.)
-duckyone.